Monday, June 25, 2007

My Weekend

How was my weekend? Pretty good, thank you for asking! Oh, besides the fact that I was attacked by a rabid middle-aged woman that had clearly forgotten to take her meds on Saturday night.

Here's how it went down: My dear coworker Joanie was having a birthday party at her house to celebrate 3 birthdays including her's, her daughter's, and her best buddy's. There were about 30 people there, a bunch of food, and plenty of drinks...great times were being had all around.

Darkness settles in...it was about 9 or 10pm, and my wife and I were having a conversation with "Dawn" about good looking celebrities I believe. So I say something about Katharine McPhee being smoking hot, and how my wife would be OK with it if Kat offered to snuggle with me for a night. I also mentioned how my "get out of jail free" card used to be Britney Spears circa her "One More Time" years. Every couple has these tongue-in-cheek agreements.

So upon hearing this, Dawn starts to say things like "listen you piece of s***, your wife is fantastic and she is gorgeous" to which I replied "I totally agree with you, she is awesome, but we just have this deal..." and she says "no, you f****** jerk, you listen to me, you have no idea what you have." It went on like this for about 3 minutes, we were even standing up and yelling at each other in the middle of this party of about 15-20 people.

I'm not sure what order this happened, but you'll understand why when I tell you she shoved the palm of her hand into my forehead not once, or twice, but THREE times, hitting me pretty well, enough to make me a tad dizzy. So then I say "I'm going to guess you're from New York" and she was! This got her in a full-blown tizzy, so she proceeded to jump over my wife who was sitting to my left, and then jumped up on top of me in my chair, straddling me with her legs on either side of me in what I can only imagine was an attempt to choke me or something. I immediately grabbed her wrists and kept saying "I am a man, you are a woman, and that means I am stronger than you!!! This is useless, you won't be able to do anything!!!" Just as she was letting up, I started to let her go, and she lunged at my neck, trying to bite me! No joke!!! So I pulled her wrists again and successfully stopped her from sinking her teeth into my flesh. Just then her very embarassed husband came up and pulled her into the house, saving my life.

Luckily, I was right and I held her off pretty well, except for a couple scratches, one of which I've included the picture of:

Just a little scratch, I know, but I didn't expect to get attacked while enjoying a few beers at my coworker's party.

I'm told "Dawn" was inside still really mad at me for the next few hours, doing what she could to get back outside and teach me a lesson.

Either way, this chick is fit for a straight-jacket, and I lived to tell the story.

Besides that, we had a great time! So what did I do wrong? Anyone?

9 comments:

Alli P said...

I missed the initial part of this discussion as I had to go to the ladie's room. When I came out, I wasn't sure if they were joking or serious (Mike seemed to be joking but obviously this woman wasn't). I literally had to jump out of the way b/c she was pinching my leg w/her body in order to get to Mike. It seriously was nuts! But at the same time, I was hysterically laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation (believe me, you would have been too if you were there!!)

Jaysa said...

That is the craziest thing I've heard. What a lunatic. Who is this woman? A friend of a friend? What a spaz!

David said...

I would press charges, make this crazy b*tch realize you cant just attack people. Its funny, but so f-ing sad at the same time...

I wish there was video of this...

lesli said...

that is jacked up dude!! I WOULD PRESS CHARGES! i hope you see her again when she's sober and really let her have it. she probably won't remember.

Anonymous said...

I am the dear coworker and the crazy person is somewhat family like three times removed. She is a tad crazy but a sweetheart as well. She has had a rough patch lately with a double mastectomy, reconstruction, chemo, and now medicated heavily w/ tomoxifin(not a good combination w/ wine - does loopy things to a person, almost like being on illegal drugs) All of this is no excuse to attack somebody especially somebody you don't even know - I have no idea why this happened and can make no excuses. I can only apologize for what took place. I love Mikey and hope he comes back to my house whenever we have another event. I promise I will not let anybody get near him, although there has been no extra charge for the entertainment ... Mikey, I love you......

Kelly said...

Oh my gosh!! That is crazy, I am glad you weren't seriously hurt. I guess not everyone can understand how secure you and Allie are in your marriage. I am just suprised that she didnt let up when she saw Allie wasn't mad about it. I guess this lady is going through some tuff times and I know you are a nice enough guy that you will let it go. Man, I wish I was there to see that. Maybe you can get me invited to Dear Joanie's next party. :)

Lauren said...

MIKE!! Oh man. I would have pressed charges as well b/c it is true that this lady cannot be doing this. Did they ask her to leave? She stayed tehre the whole time?? I am shocked at your friend from work for allowing someone like that to stay in her house after attacking one of her guests. Obviously there is a reason she has been twice removed from her family.That is bullcrap. And I would also like to have a little talk with my sister b/c if some crazy lady was going after Gregg like that I would have jumped on her. I wish so bad I could have seen it. Hahah...I will have to hear this story in person.
~Lauren

Gregg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Melanie said...

Mike, this whole story was so funny I almost peed!! I can picture everything so clearly!! I'm with David...I wish a camera was rolling to capture this crazy woman coming after you!! She must have some MAJOR ISSUES!!