Here's how it went down: My dear coworker Joanie was having a birthday party at her house to celebrate 3 birthdays including her's, her daughter's, and her best buddy's. There were about 30 people there, a bunch of food, and plenty of drinks...great times were being had all around.
Darkness settles in...it was about 9 or 10pm, and my wife and I were having a conversation with "Dawn" about good looking celebrities I believe. So I say something about Katharine McPhee being smoking hot, and how my wife would be OK with it if Kat offered to snuggle with me for a night. I also mentioned how my "get out of jail free" card used to be Britney Spears circa her "One More Time" years. Every couple has these tongue-in-cheek agreements.
So upon hearing this, Dawn starts to say things like "listen you piece of s***, your wife is fantastic and she is gorgeous" to which I replied "I totally agree with you, she is awesome, but we just have this deal..." and she says "no, you f****** jerk, you listen to me, you have no idea what you have." It went on like this for about 3 minutes, we were even standing up and yelling at each other in the middle of this party of about 15-20 people.
I'm not sure what order this happened, but you'll understand why when I tell you she shoved the palm of her hand into my forehead not once, or twice, but THREE times, hitting me pretty well, enough to make me a tad dizzy. So then I say "I'm going to guess you're from New York" and she was! This got her in a full-blown tizzy, so she proceeded to jump over my wife who was sitting to my left, and then jumped up on top of me in my chair, straddling me with her legs on either side of me in what I can only imagine was an attempt to choke me or something. I immediately grabbed her wrists and kept saying "I am a man, you are a woman, and that means I am stronger than you!!! This is useless, you won't be able to do anything!!!" Just as she was letting up, I started to let her go, and she lunged at my neck, trying to bite me! No joke!!! So I pulled her wrists again and successfully stopped her from sinking her teeth into my flesh. Just then her very embarassed husband came up and pulled her into the house, saving my life.
Luckily, I was right and I held her off pretty well, except for a couple scratches, one of which I've included the picture of:
Just a little scratch, I know, but I didn't expect to get attacked while enjoying a few beers at my coworker's party.
I'm told "Dawn" was inside still really mad at me for the next few hours, doing what she could to get back outside and teach me a lesson.
Either way, this chick is fit for a straight-jacket, and I lived to tell the story.
Besides that, we had a great time! So what did I do wrong? Anyone?
